Unexpectedly, I have a 20-something living at home. Not sure how to feel, or exactly what to do, about that. How about you?

I’ve described this blog as a place for sharing and support. This is where the rubber meets the road. I’m struggling. I suspect I’m not alone. I’m trying to do right by my 20-something “kid.” I put that word in quotes because that is how (trying not to) I sometimes think about her; and kid-like is, in some ways, how she’s engaged with the world….. But, of course, she’s not a kid anymore, not really.

My daughter, has currently, maybe permanently, dropped out of college. There, I said it. A few years ago I might have tried to hide this fact, or made some excuse, but we are not alone. I can’t tell you how many of her school peers, other family members, friends’ and neighbors’ kids, have also recently dropped out of college after their first or second semester. There’s one easy answer why. Covid.

I preface what I say next by recognizing Covid has had very disparate impacts, and that for many young adults, Covid disrupted, even eliminated, the time, freedom, or finances to attend college. This is awful. My kid’s cohort entered Covid with the luxury to assume a college degree; to take it as a given. And yet, here they are dropping out in big numbers. Is it surprising? Almost 2 years with no in-person social interactions…. Almost 2 years lost of in-classroom instruction when they otherwise would have being routinely pushed to practice and meet college level work. With that deficit, they are showing up for their first attempt at pseudo-independent living and college level course expectations. It should come as no surprise that many have not been up to the task.

What do we, as a society, do about this — the lost years. Actually, this might be a question we need to ask for every stage of childhood — the kids that missed in-person kindergarten and their introduction to formal education; the kids who missed the entirety of in-person middle school years (maybe that’s actually a good thing, missing all that awkwardness LOL). Is there something unique, however, (uniquely troubling?) about the kids who were locked down at home in the transitional stage between childhood and nascent independence?

Do we think of these lost years — these clear deficits — as merely chronological delays? Make a timing adjustment? Assume our 20 year olds won’t really “act their age,” for a few more years, but they’ll catch up? Or, was something lost that can’t be made up by time alone. We can’t give them back those years. They missed their prom and, sadly, they’re not getting it back. More importantly, we’re not giving them a redo of junior and senior year of high school. Should we be? Was something essential denied that needs to be remediated? Or are the 20-somethings coming out of Covid going to ask us rethink the whole shebang: Why college anyway? Is college for everyone? What are equally good paths to a “successful” life? Is anyone in charge asking these questions? I haven’t seen much to indicate so.

Then there’s just me, wondering what to do for my kid. My daughter has learning differences and challenges un-related to Covid. College, even community college, might never be a good fit for her. Honestly, that feels like uncharted territory coming from an American family that has moved in the course of three generations from manual laborers to every-kid-goes-to-a-four-year college-eventually. I don’t want her ever to believe (or ever sense from me) that she is “less than,” a disappointment, has failed.

In many ways, things are just fine. Honestly, I love having my daughter live with me. I’m a single woman in midlife. She’s lovely, creative, joyful – good company. I’m grateful to have a home within a caring community so that she has had a safe place to land. She’s not doing nothing — searching for, getting, and keeping steadily, a full-time job; paying off a used car that her dad helped her buy. A few months ago, when I realized that her living with me was not a temporary leave of absence from college, we reached a bump in the road and made a big pivot. I was still being uber-mom, feeding, driving, cleaning, paying — and becoming resentful. We talked, and adjusted, I stopped doing, she picked up the slack. I’m kind of amazed at how smoothly it’s gone given all the bad habits of over-caring (by me) and laziness (by her) that we racked up during Covid.

But when do I start to worry? (To be honest, I’m already worried about when I need to start worrying). She’s not gonna live with me forever, right? It definitely puts a crimp in my quiet Sunday morning routine, and my dating life! So what’s next?

When your children, like mine, were raised in the east-coast- I95-corridor-bubble, it’s hard for them to see a different path than college, likely followed by a professional degree and a traditional career. I’d like to be able to share with my daughter different stories, different paths, different definitions of success. Even away from that narrow corridor, we as a country don’t do a great job of teaching career skills, vocational education, training and apprenticeship, particularly, it seems to me, for young women. I’d like to be able to share with her ideas for good careers that don’t require college, non-traditional careers that spark a passion, or maybe just good enough careers coupled with other Interests or passions that lead to a independent, joyful life. So I’m seeking help. Any ideas, advice, experiences, stories are welcome and invited!