After my last Mother’s Day “epiphany” post, it probably seemed like I kinda had things figured out. 😂😉 So, of course, you know what happened next…

A few days after Mother’s Day, said living-at-home daughter had a second job, and, combined with the days she helps out her former boss at a small lunch cafe, she was working 6 days a week. Wow! The new job required taking a CPR class and a background check. With some hand-holding (so hard to know exactly where to draw the line against “rescuing”🥴) she was signed up for the class and I threw in a new pair of “nice”pants for work (I was at the store anyway and life requires more than jeans with holes in them, right?🤣)

Meanwhile, I made a BOLD decision (judging from the faces of my neighbors😉) to head to Hawaii for two weeks with said newish, but excited about, boyfriend. He had a long-scheduled house sitting gig and invited me to join. It was not exactly easy to say yes. What might surprise you is why.

It was NOT hard to decide to take in a longish trip with a man I’ve known only a few months. (Things move faster when you get to midlife, you want to test the brakes sooner, and I’ve learned from lots of dating experience to trust my intuition about things feeling right (or wrong)). What was hard, despite my desire to promote her individuation, was leaving said twenty-something daughter for two weeks. She gets anxious when I’m gone, she often gets sick… She had a lot of new stuff on her plate… Blah, blah…

To be fair, my daughter encouraged me to go. She seems to understand my need not be hindered by her living back at home. (It sometimes feels like we share parallel needs for each of us to move towards a more full expression of the grownup we are meant to be.) It also may not have been lost on her that in my absence she could more conveniently sneak her boyfriend in for sleepovers😂

So… I’m on the plane with my boyfriend traveling the 6 hours it takes from Seattle to Kona. We relaxed, shared headsets to watch a movie on his iPad, planned our first few days at Volcano National Park. We land. My phone blows up. Our 9 yr old golden retriever, Beza, had seemed out of sorts right before I left. I told my daughter we’d take her to the vet when I got back. My daughter sensed things were really not good and she took Beza to an emergency visit with the vet while I was on the plane. The vet knew I was unavailable so he told Caroline the truth, that things looked very dire. Beza had developed fluid in her lung and around her heart and seemed to have a mass on her lung. Beza was struggling to breath and for her heart to keep up. She needed care beyond what he could offer on our little island. Emergency care required a ferry ride off island and highway driving, things my (anxious) daughter, a newish driver, has never done.

Now every dog is special. I believe that, and Beza is extra special. She was my big brother’s beloved companion until he took his life 23 months ago. She connects all of us, the whole family, to my brother. Honestly, when we lose her, it will feel a bit like losing my brother again.

The Big Test: Should I immediately turn around and get back on a plane to Seattle?

I did not. Wow (I myself might say😉). To be honest, that was just an initial decision, a “wait and see,” (and if Beza had died, all bests were off). Fairly quickly, though, I knew I wouldn’t change my plans and return home early. Perhaps the most important reason why, is that I wanted to give my daughter the opportunity to be the grownup, to be the one in charge, to rise to the occasion, maybe learn from her anxiety, and see that everything would be okay, despite the ultimate (perhaps awful) outcome.

Honestly, I questioned if that was the right call, but in fact, by the time I got involved, she was already doing so. Without being able reach me, my daughter had activated the support of our pretty amazing extended family. She posted on our “intimate” family text of 27 people and got immediate support from her aunts and uncles (my siblings) and her cousins, saying: “you got this,” “whatever decision you make will be the right one,” “we all know how much you love and care for Beza, and Beza’s in your — the best — hands.”

And I activated my “village” (those 3-4 siblings/friends that you can ask anything and they can be totally honest with you) to get the support I needed to know that I was making the right decision: Both that my daughter needed me to let go and let her fly solo, and that I needed to put me and my new relationship first. It was a tough, but great, conversation with my boyfriend; it likely set the stage for the rest of a great trip. He was clear that he would absolutely understand if I needed to go back. He was clear that he hoped I would stay. And with great honesty, he expressed that it would be less than ideal if I stayed but was unable to be present because of the situation at home. I know he/us would have been okay no matter what I decided, but I think that deciding to stay — and be truly present — was a game-changer.

I’m not saying my daughter didn’t struggle: She missed the CPR class. She made no progress on her background check. She had some difficult (but successful) negotiations with her new boss about needing some time off. (Thankfully she did not, as I feared, get fired.) The garbage never got put out…. But my daughter managed — I guess more to the point, she learned she can manage. She learned she can rely on back up: Good neighbors/friends helped out with Beza when my daughter needed to be at work all day. My sister who lives on the island nearby stayed with my daughter for a few days. My daughter cleaned the whole house for her aunt’s arrival, as — apparently I’ve successfully taught her — one would do for a guest. My daughter, on her own, tried out meditation.

I’m sure there will be a Part 3😂: Since I’ve gotten home my daughter quit the new job😩 (1 step forward, 2 steps back). Beza seems okay for the moment. She was sent home with medication to decrease the fluid and we’re keep a close eye on her until she can see the vet specialist. But, I need to travel again… a long-planned visit to my BFF. Summer is upon us, and it’s been a long time since I had a boyfriend with whom to enjoy the season. I will keep you — my community — posted and I hope you will share your joys and challenges.